“If you so choose, even the unexpected setbacks can bring new and positive possibilities. If you so choose, you can find value and fulfillment in every circumstance.”
— Ralph Marston
I awoke this morning to the moon shining brightly in the morning sky. Still too sleepy to form any expectations of the day, I was taking in my surroundings without judgement. And what a delight to see the nighttime moon bright and shining in the deep blues and pinks and purples of the morning. If I wouldn’t have bent down to pet my dogs, I may not have noticed the view of the moon juxtaposed to my hanging pot of flowers; the only ones that have survived the hot, dry summer we are experiencing. My view of life this morning was one of joyful happenstance.
It reminded me that prior to March of this year, I may not have been where I was, experiencing the beauty of a sleepy, unplanned view of the sky from my own backyard. I would have been too busy, racing from commitment to commitment. And while I’ve so often grieved over the life I’ve lost forever, I’ve had some beautiful moments of feeling inexplicably alive.
Life in the pandemic is as terrible as it is beautiful. The moments where I can escape the rat race, the fear, the masks and the lost jobs and opportunities have been some of the most inspiring I can remember. I was truly present this morning with nature; in my backyard, in my breath, and with my dogs. We were all connected as one, and the morning and it’s possibilities seemed as endless as the sapphire blue of the sky. I’ve always loved mornings and this morning that love made my heart so full. My pets and I were in harmony and the morning stood completely still. I felt myself breathe.
These are those moments where I know that the tragic setbacks and losses of the pandemic and the choices being made that are out of my control, can one day lead to something better. In my heart I have to believe this. I feel more inspired, energized, creative, compassionate, patriotic. I want to transform my world and I want to transform the whole world for the better. One beautiful moment, one breath, one person can make one small difference.
For the first time in most of my adult life, I have been dragged, at first kicking and screaming into a life I didn’t expect. It happened as suddenly and unexpectedly as if I had painstakingly created one of those intricately colored sand mandalas and someone came along with a large broom and swept it all away. There’s a pile of dirt that remains of my past, and that’s about it.
Gradually at first, there was an awakening to beauty that was equally unexpected. It was a little like rubbing the sleep out of my eyes this morning. Instead of focusing on who and what are never coming back, my eyes opened to what is here. Maybe I was too busy rushing around building my sand mandala to notice it.
As a result, the sky has opened up. There are new relationships to be had; a new career, new friends, renewed friends, new experiences, a heightened creativity. I am moving into the realm of the present, of acceptance. Maybe the difficulties will suck but will actually make me better. The things I used to be afraid of hardly seem scary any longer. How can I; a living, breathing, creative human being; wake up to the moon in summer sky and feel afraid? Many moons have arisen and set over many setbacks that have come and gone, and the world is still here. I am still here. Life passes so quickly. Maybe now I won’t miss it completely. Right here, in this moment, I am blessed.
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“People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” —- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation
These times have many of us feeling down or discouraged; some of us are depressed or even fearful. I’m not saying I have the answers. However, if you are reading this blog, you are still here, walking on this earth. Fear not, for this life is a miracle.
Difficulties have often opened my eyes to beauty. I can recall times of loss or grief when I suddenly was struck by something incredibly beautiful…a vivid rainbow, a breathtaking sunset, a field of flowers, a loving embrace. Opening my eyes to a spectacular dawn, knowing that my creator has seen fit to give me yet chance to wake up, to walk on the earth amongst not enemies, but friends. I have another day to make a difference, to see the beauty, to appreciate what have and to share it with others.
In spite of uncertainty, it’s not only that I walk, but how I walk on the earth each day that is the miracle making. I may not do great things, but I remind myself to do the little things, the boring or mundane tasks with love!
I woke up this morning and pulled weeds in my garden. While this is a chore, I discovered the miracle of tomatoes that were ripe and ready to eat! They smelled sweet like the sun and the earth and tasted even better! Even in the weediest of gardens, there is delicious fruit. This chilly August morning is a miracle in the making. I am here to see it! The green grass, the colorful flowers, the sun, the moon, the stars, my job, my friends, my family and my pets…all is a miracle.
I pause for a moment and breathe in fully. When I breathe out, there’s some space to notice what’s around me. Here and there I can see opportunities to help those around me to experience small moments where the miracle of life is revealed. I want those around me to know I notice them and they are a miracle to me.
When I taught yoga in the park on Monday, I noticed and pointed out the rainbow in the sky, while the clouds were sprinkling us with rain. That’s how life is, offering us rainbows if we are willing to see them. Teaching yoga, I remind my students of the miracle of each breath.
When I am with my mom on Sundays, the miracle is that in the darkness of her dementia, I can give her a reason to smile, even if it is only once when I compliment her or when I see her enjoying our art projects. It may not sound like a big thing that I have done, but for me, seeing a smile on her weary face is a miracle.
I encourage you today, to smile at someone, to do a small kindness, to take a moment to enjoy the beauty of walking on this earth. Life is a miracle!
Everywhere I look these days, I see challenges. It’s easy to feel like I am climbing never-ending hills. It can be tempting to lose hope. Some days, it would be pretty easy to succumb to the challenges. I know I need to seek a balanced view, and go find moments where I believe something good will ultimately come. Or even that it’s all good. I want to find a way to live the best life I possibly can. No matter how small it is, I have become determined to make something magical happen.
Magic doesn’t have to be a major miracle; rather it is the little every day triumphs, and trying to enjoy every moment that I am here. I strive to appreciate the every day tasks and to do them the best that I can. I want to feel grateful rather than overwhelmed. I need to make some magic happen so that I can see challenges as opportunities. When I wash my dishes, instead of feeling like it’s a chore, I try to think, “thank God I have dishes to wash!” I want to make my own magic with the challenges, big and small, that I face each day.
One of my favorite quotes describes my thoughts best:
“Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred.”
Today I went to visit my mom and dad. I could see right away that without gratitude, I was sunk. My mom was sleeping sitting on the sofa when I arrived and didn’t want to acknowledge my presence. Eventually she came around a bit, but she sure didn’t make it easy!
I had so many wonderful and easy years with my mom, that honestly it makes it that much easier for me on the challenging days. I know how lucky I’ve been and how much my mom has given to me. I can’t feel troubled providing anything I can for such a wonderful woman. Of course the challenge here is, she doesn’t remember who I am or how much I appreciate her. She gets frustrated and impatient so I need to wave my magic wand and be patient for both of us. I am learning to celebrate the teeny, tiny victories in a sea of disappointments.
Magical assistant!
This was one of those days where nothing I did seems to work. On those days I just try something else, or I keep trying. Today it was the paint by sticker books that broke the ice. I asked my mom if she wanted to make some pictures and she picked a book up right away. That’s when I saw the Make Your Own Magic picture. I knew right then that things would be ok. Whenever we are working on our pictures we are in unison; working toward a common goal. It keeps our minds focused and we can interact positively. I can feel my patience and compassion filling my heart.
I came up with this idea one day when I saw that my mom still had the capability to color perfectly in the lines, just like she always had, but that she no longer had the patience to do so. Color by sticker was the perfect option for her. She needs some assistance doing it, but it is just challenging enough without being impossible and she is so proud of the results. Since then, my sister has become the master at locating and obtaining new paint by sticker books that keep things interesting and fun.
If you have a Senior in your life, I highly recommend these! Here is a link to one of my favorites:
When we worked on the outer space sticker design, I had fun telling my mom the names of the items in the pictures, such as “The Big Dipper,” a “Shooting Star,” and “Saturn.” It reminded me of how patiently she used to read me my favorite book as a kid, “A Book of Planets for You.” Isthave this book. Although that
It brought me so much joy creating this picture with her, and I remembered our time spent with the planet book well enough for the both of us. In the scheme of things, it was such a small act, but truly a connection only my mother and I share, because that book was MY book ( I am sure I did not share it with my siblings, and that was back in the day when Pluto was still a still a planet)!
As I write this, I am thinking of all the elderly who are alone and isolated right now, and I’m working to find a way to help some of them. I hope we all find a way to reach out to make our seniors feel loved and appreciated. They may not all remember us, but we can all remember them! Let’s make our own magic happen! I love you mom! You are my inspiration! You make me a better me!You made my life magical.
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I went on a journey today and like most journeys, it wasn’t about the miles traveled or the destination; it was the memories of the people and places that came before.
On the way home I took an unplanned detour. Why not? After all, I was now alone. While many of my freedoms have been limited lately, today was the Fourth of July, and I felt free. No one knew where I was, or cared; no plans, no invitations, and no expectations. Only my dogs waited at home for me today, and somehow I knew they would understand. My journey continued. I stopped at a place quite familiar to me; a place I had often visited with people I loved. Loved ones who because of circumstance and choice, are no longer with me. I had been longing to return to this place for a while. In part I did this to feel connected with that love and those memories again. And I also wanted to make this place my own.
I began walking the familiar path. My American Flag flip flops probably weren’t the best footwear choice for a trail walk. The river off to my right sparkled and bubbled in the evening sunshine. Drawn to the water, I left the path to climb down the stairway to a winding trail along the river. The memories came flooding back. While the trail was the familiar, it had changed with time.
Being in this place, I felt the presence of my loved ones here. More than mere memories, I felt like little pieces of us had remained here by the river; our words, our laughter, our tears, maybe even a fishing lure. I half expected to hear the sound of a familiar voice, or footsteps behind me.
I was still wearing my flip flops as I walked along the sandy, winding, sloping trail; ducking under branches, climbing over trees. At one point I slipped on the path and slid towards the water. I wasn’t afraid, but that’s the point where I realized my flip flops needed to come off.
How great it felt, finally, to feel my bare feet on the warm, sandy earth! My feet softly gripped the uneven ground, just like they were always meant to do. There was an instant change. More than just memories walked along with me. I was like a child again, filled with the sheer joy of being alive and connected to the nature around me. I was in my element. Dragonflies and other insects buzzed around and led me closer to the river. I came to a point where I could climb down and wade into the water.
The water felt warm and gentle as it swirled and flowed around my feet. It felt soft like silk. I stood there in the water for a long time. It was so peaceful. I continued to plod along the trail, exploring and finding places to climb into the water again and again. My troubles melted away.
Why hadn’t I thought to take my shoes off sooner? Now, in my bare feet, I was transported back in time to a place where I was free. Throughout my childhood, my parents had given me a place to explore freely, and I had embraced it. It was a world where I breathed the fresh air, played in the water, climbed trees and felt the earth between my toes. I lived in my bare feet. Most of the obstacles in this world could be easily surmounted; I simply climbed over them. Love embraces me; surrounded me. I loved the animals, the fish, the birds, and the people in my world. People loved me back. They spoke the truth. I didn’t question whether they truly cared for me. There were no countries, no boundaries, no politics, no fighting (other than some sibling sparring). There was no judging, no drama, no manipulation, no sabotage. I was truly blessed. Love was eternal, unconditional. No one controlled me; they wanted the best for me. As long as I followed some simple and reasonable rules, life was really good.
I felt so alive being barefoot on this winding trail that reminded me of a better time in my life. Remembering it began to fill me with confidence again. The fear of slipping and falling into the river evaporated. My feet were sure and expertly navigated the trail. My feet could breathe again! I could breathe deeply in the fresh air too. This is how I was meant to breathe. I began to feel like myself again and I was filled with peace. I remembered I was someone worthy of being loved. After all, my parents had loved me. Out here in my bare feet, I could finally connect with that love!
As I walked along and waded in the river, the evening was beautiful and perfect. No one could wreck it or make it look ugly. There was no agenda, no threats, no attacks, no criticism. I didn’t mind at all being alone. The love, faith and freedom my parents had given to me, filled me up. I remembered who I was. And who I still am. And I was free!
This river had changed. It wasn’t the same river I had walked along so many times before. Time had passed. The path of the river had changed. I had changed. My recent life experiences were very different from those of my childhood. I had lost people who had chosen to leave me and didn’t love me anymore; and maybe never really did. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was even possible, but it had happened, nonetheless. I now lived in a world where I had to watch my back at all times, could trust very few, and love was anything but a certainty. People have many agendas. The loves I had lost, the experiences we’d shared, were gone for good. The pieces of us whispered in the trees and the water, now only a memory. I had loved as completely as my parents had loved me. I felt my feet on the warm earth and felt like it was time to say goodbye. This loss would always be a part of me, but I decided to leave the memories, the hopes and dreams, along with my tears. I walked away and left them by the river. I watched them float away.
The late evening sunshine glittered on the water. I believed that somewhere out there, exists someone just like me.
As I headed back towards my car, my heart was filled with peace. I really should have taken my shoes off sooner. It’s been such a long time. In my bare feet, I had found myself again. I am loved. I am strong. I am free!
After my hike I walked over to get some ice cream before heading home. Homemade butter pecan ice cream cone, which used to be my mom’s favorite. I sat on a picnic table and ate it, watching some fishermen fish in the steadily flowing river. I thoroughly enjoyed every bit! Here’s to you Mom! Happy Fourth of July! God Bless my parents, my family, my friends, my home and my country. God bless America!
“Never be the person who doesn’t do the wave. Those people die alone.” — Phil Dunphy
“Selflessness is humility. Humility and freedom go hand in hand. Only a humble person can be free.” —-Jeff Wilson
This after she had sat on the sofa with her eyes squeezed tightly shut and the handmade afghan that was as old as I am pulled up over her nose. And not because of the pandemic either. She was fervently waiting and hoping for me to go away.
Today was Mother’s Day, and here my mom and I were sitting across from each other at the same table we had sat at for 50 years, and we were completely estranged. It was an eerie feeling, as if the ongoing pandemic didn’t make things surreal enough. However, our estrangement did not come about in the way that many mother/child relationships end up that way. It was through no fault of either one of us. We were estranged nonetheless. And it was Mother’s Day, making it all the more painful.
Eventually she had to get up to use the restroom. I took that opportunity to put my dogs in the car. A week earlier she had been smiling at them and at me and petting them, asking their names again and again. And again. CJ had sat on the sofa next to her and she had smiled. She seemed to really enjoy them. When we had left at the end of the day, she called Pete over to say goodbye and pet him one more time. Not this week. This week she was afraid of them and wanted nothing to do with me.
Once out of the restroom she must have forgotten about some of what had transpired earlier. At least she didn’t return to the sofa and looked a bit more friendly. This time she looked at me and spoke to me, taking a seat at the kitchen table. At that moment I realized her view of me had changed from unwelcome intruder to potential transportation to her mom’s house. A place that existed only in her eroding memory.
“Pink is a nice color,” she went on to say. “Some people wear those flashy colors like red, but you have this nice quiet pink.”
I was wearing my “pink” Victoria Secret hoodie that had the word “PINK” written across the front.
“You said you remembered me,” I answered her. “What do you remember about me?”
“Well, you wear pink…and I’ve never heard anything bad about you, from anyone.”
She had nothing else to say about the subject and began playing with the plastic bead necklace she was wearing. I listened to her talk to my Dad as he made her an English muffin and some tea. She thanked him for his kindness. It occurred to me that he had now assumed the role of both Mom and Dad.
My duffle bag of art projects sat untouched on the floor near my feet. It was one of the few ways I had been able to break through the barriers of being a stranger to my mom, and enjoy a meaningful relationship with her. Alas, today would not be a day of creating inspiring Mother’s Day art projects together. It wasn’t meant to be. I was “the Girl in Pink” today. A nice but unwelcome stranger and nothing more. She began inquiring about getting a ride to see her Mother. She seemed to realize she wouldn’t be getting a ride from me.
I had ventured into Meijer on my way over. My one and only victory of this Mother’s Day was the muffins I bought her from the bakery there. She actually ate half of one! She said it was delicious! It only took me an hour to wait in line to purchase it. I really wished I had attempted to bake something at home instead! That is something my mother would have done for me.
The past several months marked some milestones in my life. This was yet another one. My 20th Mother’s Day. It seems like yesterday that I traveled to Ukraine with my Mom, and Aunts to adopt my children. It’s been years since we’ve spent a Mother’s Day together.
It was time for me to head back home to get ready to face the inevitability of another day of uncertainty. Despite the pandemic, I felt compelled to give my Mom a hug. These days you really don’t know if you will see your loved ones again. I’ve been practicing social distancing and I work entirely from home. I wear gloves and a mask when I go out once a week to grocery shop. I reached over and gently gave her a warm squeeze. Her once warm, robust body felt like nothing but bones. She didn’t hug me back but she didn’t refuse me either.
“Happy Mother’s Day Mom, I love you ,” I told her sincerely.
“I like you too,” she said.
“I said I loved you, Mom,” I reminded her gently.
“Well, I can like you AND love you,” she kind of laughed it off and made a joke of it. That was ok by me. It was the best she could do. She was being kind to me, a stranger.
The drive home was kind of lonely. I was disappointing and I had to do something to pull myself out of my Mother’s Day funk. I was glad to have my canine kids with me. They are my loyal side kicks! I stopped at the grocery store and promised them I would make it quick! I wanted to find something special for Mother’s Day dinner but the store was picked over to say the least! I felt like I had won the lottery when I scored the last package of two chocolate covered strawberries in the store! The day was not a total loss after all!
Remembering my Mom…I think of her every day, not only on Mother’s Day. She always knew what to say to me, and she never missed the opportunity to say it. She would send me little notes, prayers, magazine clippings, cards, Mass cards, recipes, rice crispy treats, words of encouragement, chicken soup, chocolate chip cupcakes…in the mail or my Dad would drop them off when he was over helping out with something. My Mom constantly fed my soul. Her words and her love feeds my soul to this day. Even though I’m only the Girl in Pink, I feel like a part of her remembers me.
My mom spends her days looking for her mom, even though she’s been gone over 20 years now. On days like today, I feel like I am doing the same thing. I think about calling my Mom, I wish I could share something that happened with my Mom; I wish I could ask her questions about flowers; or I want to brag about something my kids have done. I know how my Mom feels. I miss my Mom too.
I arrived home at last; sat down and ate my chocolate covered strawberries. They were good. But the emptiness and the loss remained. On top of that, I was missing my own kids. Even without the pandemic I would have been alone on Mother’s Day this year.
As if in answer to my thoughts, the next thing I knew, the phone was ringing and it was my Dad. I realized exactly why he was calling. He wouldn’t have even needed to say one word. The connection between us with instantaneous understanding. It was instantly and nearly wordlessly comforting for us both. Sometimes when I was young, my Dad would take me for a ride in the car without saying a word. We would stop and get a coffee and a cherry pie at McDonald’s and very few words were necessary. Tonight was just like that. If my Mom was herself, she might have said, “this too shall pass,” or, “someday you should write a book.” Whatever she said, the words themselves didn’t really matter. It was the feeling of instant comfort that my mom exuded. There was never any doubt of her love or of her kind intentions. It’s a gift I later learned my Dad had too. Tonight was no exception. His words and his feelings were as if my Mom herself had said them. The realization came that my Mom was with me too. For the moment anyway, I had found her!
It was that comfort and that realization that I am never walking alone. Our conversation was a short one, but I felt better for it.
“I love you Dad.” He never says it back either but he doesn’t need to. I can feel it. We hung up.
“Happy Mother’s Day Dad”
After talking to my Dad, I had a few tears on my cheek. CJ came over to me to make sure I was ok, and to offer his own special brand of canine comfort.
“Happy Mother’s Day Mom” he said with his eyes.
On holidays like today, it’s a good reminder to be grateful for what i have. It’s also good to remember that not everyone is having a magical holiday. I too, once helped with breakfast in bed and all kinds of wonderful tributes to my Mom. I also was the lucky recipient of breakfasts in bed and many other enjoyable celebrations of my own motherhood. I will cherish those memories forever. Even though the celebrations are in the past, the love and the connection between us remains a part of me. I love my parents and I love my kids no matter the space that time, distance or circumstance puts between us.
I look forward to new connections in whatever form they may take in the uncertain future that lies ahead of me in these unprecedented times. Perhaps in the midst of change, loss, and distance from loved ones, something even better lies ahead.
Happy Mother’s Day to me, the Girl in Pink.
One of my favorite Mother’s Day memories. The love between us is with me always
Life with Lisa Yogini 