“I know who you are,” she said, “I remember you.”
“You’re the girl in pink.”
This after she had sat on the sofa with her eyes squeezed tightly shut and the handmade afghan that was as old as I am pulled up over her nose. And not because of the pandemic either. She was fervently waiting and hoping for me to go away.
Today was Mother’s Day, and here my mom and I were sitting across from each other at the same table we had sat at for 50 years, and we were completely estranged. It was an eerie feeling, as if the ongoing pandemic didn’t make things surreal enough. However, our estrangement did not come about in the way that many mother/child relationships end up that way. It was through no fault of either one of us. We were estranged nonetheless. And it was Mother’s Day, making it all the more painful.
Eventually she had to get up to use the restroom. I took that opportunity to put my dogs in the car. A week earlier she had been smiling at them and at me and petting them, asking their names again and again. And again. CJ had sat on the sofa next to her and she had smiled. She seemed to really enjoy them. When we had left at the end of the day, she called Pete over to say goodbye and pet him one more time. Not this week. This week she was afraid of them and wanted nothing to do with me.
Once out of the restroom she must have forgotten about some of what had transpired earlier. At least she didn’t return to the sofa and looked a bit more friendly. This time she looked at me and spoke to me, taking a seat at the kitchen table. At that moment I realized her view of me had changed from unwelcome intruder to potential transportation to her mom’s house. A place that existed only in her eroding memory.
“Pink is a nice color,” she went on to say. “Some people wear those flashy colors like red, but you have this nice quiet pink.”
I was wearing my “pink” Victoria Secret hoodie that had the word “PINK” written across the front.
“You said you remembered me,” I answered her. “What do you remember about me?”
“Well, you wear pink…and I’ve never heard anything bad about you, from anyone.”
She had nothing else to say about the subject and began playing with the plastic bead necklace she was wearing. I listened to her talk to my Dad as he made her an English muffin and some tea. She thanked him for his kindness. It occurred to me that he had now assumed the role of both Mom and Dad.
My duffle bag of art projects sat untouched on the floor near my feet. It was one of the few ways I had been able to break through the barriers of being a stranger to my mom, and enjoy a meaningful relationship with her. Alas, today would not be a day of creating inspiring Mother’s Day art projects together. It wasn’t meant to be. I was “the Girl in Pink” today. A nice but unwelcome stranger and nothing more. She began inquiring about getting a ride to see her Mother. She seemed to realize she wouldn’t be getting a ride from me.
I had ventured into Meijer on my way over. My one and only victory of this Mother’s Day was the muffins I bought her from the bakery there. She actually ate half of one! She said it was delicious! It only took me an hour to wait in line to purchase it. I really wished I had attempted to bake something at home instead! That is something my mother would have done for me.
The past several months marked some milestones in my life. This was yet another one. My 20th Mother’s Day. It seems like yesterday that I traveled to Ukraine with my Mom, and Aunts to adopt my children. It’s been years since we’ve spent a Mother’s Day together.
It was time for me to head back home to get ready to face the inevitability of another day of uncertainty. Despite the pandemic, I felt compelled to give my Mom a hug. These days you really don’t know if you will see your loved ones again. I’ve been practicing social distancing and I work entirely from home. I wear gloves and a mask when I go out once a week to grocery shop. I reached over and gently gave her a warm squeeze. Her once warm, robust body felt like nothing but bones. She didn’t hug me back but she didn’t refuse me either.
“Happy Mother’s Day Mom, I love you ,” I told her sincerely.
“I like you too,” she said.
“I said I loved you, Mom,” I reminded her gently.
“Well, I can like you AND love you,” she kind of laughed it off and made a joke of it. That was ok by me. It was the best she could do. She was being kind to me, a stranger.
The drive home was kind of lonely. I was disappointing and I had to do something to pull myself out of my Mother’s Day funk. I was glad to have my canine kids with me. They are my loyal side kicks! I stopped at the grocery store and promised them I would make it quick! I wanted to find something special for Mother’s Day dinner but the store was picked over to say the least! I felt like I had won the lottery when I scored the last package of two chocolate covered strawberries in the store! The day was not a total loss after all!
Remembering my Mom…I think of her every day, not only on Mother’s Day. She always knew what to say to me, and she never missed the opportunity to say it. She would send me little notes, prayers, magazine clippings, cards, Mass cards, recipes, rice crispy treats, words of encouragement, chicken soup, chocolate chip cupcakes…in the mail or my Dad would drop them off when he was over helping out with something. My Mom constantly fed my soul. Her words and her love feeds my soul to this day. Even though I’m only the Girl in Pink, I feel like a part of her remembers me.
My mom spends her days looking for her mom, even though she’s been gone over 20 years now. On days like today, I feel like I am doing the same thing. I think about calling my Mom, I wish I could share something that happened with my Mom; I wish I could ask her questions about flowers; or I want to brag about something my kids have done. I know how my Mom feels. I miss my Mom too.
I arrived home at last; sat down and ate my chocolate covered strawberries. They were good. But the emptiness and the loss remained. On top of that, I was missing my own kids. Even without the pandemic I would have been alone on Mother’s Day this year.
As if in answer to my thoughts, the next thing I knew, the phone was ringing and it was my Dad. I realized exactly why he was calling. He wouldn’t have even needed to say one word. The connection between us with instantaneous understanding. It was instantly and nearly wordlessly comforting for us both. Sometimes when I was young, my Dad would take me for a ride in the car without saying a word. We would stop and get a coffee and a cherry pie at McDonald’s and very few words were necessary. Tonight was just like that. If my Mom was herself, she might have said, “this too shall pass,” or, “someday you should write a book.” Whatever she said, the words themselves didn’t really matter. It was the feeling of instant comfort that my mom exuded. There was never any doubt of her love or of her kind intentions. It’s a gift I later learned my Dad had too. Tonight was no exception. His words and his feelings were as if my Mom herself had said them. The realization came that my Mom was with me too. For the moment anyway, I had found her!
It was that comfort and that realization that I am never walking alone. Our conversation was a short one, but I felt better for it.
“I love you Dad.” He never says it back either but he doesn’t need to. I can feel it. We hung up.
“Happy Mother’s Day Dad”
After talking to my Dad, I had a few tears on my cheek. CJ came over to me to make sure I was ok, and to offer his own special brand of canine comfort.
“Happy Mother’s Day Mom” he said with his eyes.
On holidays like today, it’s a good reminder to be grateful for what i have. It’s also good to remember that not everyone is having a magical holiday. I too, once helped with breakfast in bed and all kinds of wonderful tributes to my Mom. I also was the lucky recipient of breakfasts in bed and many other enjoyable celebrations of my own motherhood. I will cherish those memories forever. Even though the celebrations are in the past, the love and the connection between us remains a part of me. I love my parents and I love my kids no matter the space that time, distance or circumstance puts between us.
I look forward to new connections in whatever form they may take in the uncertain future that lies ahead of me in these unprecedented times. Perhaps in the midst of change, loss, and distance from loved ones, something even better lies ahead.
Happy Mother’s Day to me, the Girl in Pink.
Lisa Calice, ERYT 200, YACEP, BFA, CDP
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